Xena told me today that I’ve seemed weird lately. I immediately took great umbrage and thrashed her.
No, I didn’t. I said, smart-ass that I am, “Well, as it happens I have been feeling less bitter and hostile, and my aura of pleasantness and, dare I say, optimism has many people quite stymied.”
It’s true. I found out that a coworker is not, actually, plotting against me and actually thinks I am an asset to the team. The gallery I was dreading trying to retrieve my work from called to say they’re closing their doors and had all my work ready for me. My boss told me that a future job that I thought was entirely outside my grasp was actually something I could be considered for. Then he asked me to be the costume designer for a play he’s directing at a local theater.
Knowing that my coworker isn’t harboring grudges and actively trying to thwart me has released me to see that behaviors I interpret as personal aren’t personal, they’re this person’s own pathology and not related to me. It turns out that I am *not* the center of the universe.
I know, right?
Getting my work back means the potential for an unpleasant confrontation has been avoided. I think it’s weird to hang all your own work up in your house, but what the hell will I do with art no one bought? I hung most of it up. Buy my art if you think it’s weird.
The new shrink is helping. Sometimes it’s just the tiniest nudge to get you where you need to be, and while I think she feels like she’s doing little, I feel like it’s what I needed. We’re in a really intense, heavily physically draining period at work, and each day I’ve come home, taken a bath, and put on comfortable clothes before fixing dinner. Doesn’t sound like much, but it’s something I felt would be giving up before–taking off my fabulous outfit before bedtime? My husband would reject me out of hand for that!
Except; I’m relieved of some of the pain that built up over the day, and feel less constrained and bound up. Apparently, this is a good thing. It’s seeing the shrink and confessing how my mind works that has gotten me to wise up a bit. Having to say to someone, out loud, that you think that putting on leggings, a tank top, and no bra will end your marriage forces you to examine that depraved shit that just came out of your mouth.
Lesson: A great deal of internal dialogue sounds incredibly stupid when repeated to a professional. This can be helpful if you can get through the squirming.
Soon I will post the great things I am building at work, and the equally cool stuff I’m making at home. For now, though, I’m going to be grateful and aware that for however long it may last, I feel okay about where I’m at.