Not Every Attempt Wins

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Words can hardly describe how much I love a day at home alone with no requirement that I leave the house. I often deny myself things I would like, so I have a million excuses as to why I can’t go into my studio and draw even as I claim it is the thing I most want to do. I’ve always been somewhat afraid of not being good enough but also that were I to run to the studio every time I had an idea or followed every creative urge I might disappear into it and never come back. I suspect that is some fancy pants foolishness my brain has come up with as a variation on “not good enough.”

Anyway, I’ve been wanting to draw a piece with a deer in it. So I got out the trusty copy paper and worked awhile on this:

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When I was sure I liked it, I inked it.

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I really loved it there. I wanted a child in the picture, also, so I worked that out on another piece of paper, occasionally putting them together on the light box to make sure they’d line up right. Then, I got out the good Bristol board and put them together.

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Now, if I am honest, I know that RIGHT THEN it had all gone to shit and I needed to rethink the piece. I mean, look at her eyes. Beautiful, flowing, lyrical deer and Vampire Girl. NO. Yet, I went on. It’s just the ink, I figured, I’ll get it back with color.

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Perfect. Vampire Girl is now a sightless zombie. I was unable to stop.

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Plague? Severe beating? This is after I worked the face about 5 times and then erased over the entire thing to, I don’t know, make it muddier. The deer is still beautiful. The figure?

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Horror!!!! Overworked, eyes too big, blotchy, flattened out. This is the only part of her I still like:

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Since I work in marker and pencil, there’s no painting it out and starting over, which is why I ink things on copy paper–I still have the deer in her perfect, not-yet-molested state. I just hate having wasted the hours, even though I got the satisfaction of the process and that’s a big piece of what feeds my soul.

Too bad I made a zombie who sucked it back out of me.

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About Guenevere

I am an artist, a stitcher and a costume designer expressing myself through design, costuming, sewing, drawing and teaching. I also have Ehler's Danlos Syndrome, Type 1, and suffer daily chronic pain, degenerative changes to my joints, IBS, POTS and likely MCAS. Life is one big picnic.

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  1. Pingback: Everything Has a Camera & All the Pictures Suck | Making Things

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