I’ve been awake since around 2:30 am. For whatever unknown reason I often jolt awake around then with my heart pounding crazily. Sometimes I get back to sleep after an hour or two, but by 5:00 am I figured it was a lost cause and got up to skulk about the house and wait for a decent time to grind the coffee beans without jolting everyone from their beds. It’s not that time yet, unfortunately.
Reading back over my posts this past year, I get the impression that I am stuck in a loop of the same thoughts, the same positions, the same decisions over and over and over again. I have a problem, I ignore the problem, I try to solve it myself, I go to the doctor, the doctor does or suggests something that I resist, I do it anyway, the problem becomes worse and sometimes I get a new problem on top of that. What is the sense in this? I’ve looked back at last summer and regretted the time and money spent in PT and OT and yet, here I am, doing it again and not getting better. Getting worse. Why did I get off the bus at this very same spot yet again?
Yesterday was my 45th birthday, and I had a party. I invited just girlfriends, some new and some old, and we had a really nice time. Several people struck up new friendships and were delighted to find each other. My high school art teacher was there, Xena was there, my high school boyfriend’s wife came—it was fun. My back hurt all damn day. My hip hurt. My party shoes hurt. I told myself I was just going to ignore my stupid body for now, just focus on having a nice birthday and a fun party. I managed that, but I *really* needed to have slept all night.
Sleep and pain. Both problematic, both un-managed. At 2:30 am, I worried about spending too much money on the party. I worried about our plans to go to a nearby town and listen to Western Swing today. I felt like I couldn’t do that and I’d have to cancel the second half of the birthday weekend. I thought about how I’m worse off now than I was at the beginning of the summer. I worried about going back to work. I critically reviewed my party behavior and came up with things to chastise myself about that were nonexistent. I worried about all my appointments next week. One Shrink visit, two PT appointments and an appointment with my PCP. We will go over the results of my hip xrays.
I’m tired of complaining about the same old things. I’m tired of feeling isolated and like EDS entirely dominates my life. The road out of here is hidden from me, but I’ve got to find the balance. Part of me is pretty sure that means closing the door on PT for good. But then what do I do about the pain that sent me there in the first place? No one seems to know how to answer that.