Jumbled Thoughts and a Jeep

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Endless analysis isn’t healthy, yet my brain loops happily long after it’s productive.

My spouse wants to buy a WWII-era Willys Jeep. I am angry about the Jeep. I could spend hours trying to figure out why. But I would still be angry.

So, I’m angry. I feel like I’ve been set up to be the person who is no fun. I feel jealous. I feel left behind. I feel set aside, unnoticed, left out. I feel afraid.

Afraid of a Jeep? Yes, apparently I am. I have listened to things like “stiff suspension” and “bouncing around the goat trails” and “fun” and I know those first two mean that the last isn’t happening for me. It is something he will do without me; and not because I don’t want to (which is the position I am outwardly holding) but because I don’t think I can, which is the part where I feel like crying instead of feeling angry and hateful.

I feel left behind. The next thought that seems to follow that is that I feel that way about our upcoming visit to see his parents in Chicago (the Chicago suburbs, I add, hastily, having learned there is a VAST difference—learned because “my parents live in Chicago and have a pool” conjured an entirely different scene than “they live in a suburb in a smelly house with a crappy above ground pool full of goose shit.”). We stay with his brother, who has stairs. I am deeply worried about the stairs, and also feeling exposed and vulnerable and on my own–which is how those visits ALWAYS feel to me, and that was before I was so affected by EDS.

That’s it, really. I feel alone, and like I am being left behind, and like I am not worth the trouble. I cannot sit in one position on the couch for very long without something starting to hurt; I won’t do well being bounced around in a Jeep. It’s like when we talk about how much we think the child would like snowboarding and I wonder what would I be doing? Sitting alone in a hotel room?

Before my Grama died my mother and I took her to California for a niece’s wedding. We went out shopping and Grama said she would be perfectly happy sitting in her hotel room while we did that and I still feel like crying when I think about that and how much I don’t want to be left behind. I don’t want to miss out. I don’t want to be excluded, or cast as no fun, or the problem.

The Jeep makes me feel like I am. The stairs make me feel like I am. Right now, my spouse makes me feel alone. Not out of spite, but out of not being in my shoes.

They say that ultimately, we are all alone.Pity it makes us so uncomfortable.

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