Circular Logic of Tail Chasing

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At some point, perhaps, I will learn. I will finally, for the last time, put myself and my finances through the process of having something investigated only to emerge from that process poorer, more frustrated, and with the answer I already had: I have Ehler’s Danlos Syndrome, and I will never feel “good” again in my life.

I spent $139.00 clams to get the MRI of my shoulder last week. That’s a nice pair of boots, or almost halfway to a pair of BedStu boots. (I KNOW RIGHT?) I had to go in to work late, and the tech was running late, and someone else there wanted to talk to me about my stalker sibling’s made up medical problems (because they are WAY more interesting than real problems). The tech assured me the doctor’s office would have the results the next day.

The short version of how obtaining the results went can be summed up thusly: PCP’s office decided not to answer their phones all day the next day, PCP was out of town, I got the results Friday via a text of the report he got faxed to him. There was a lot of anger, frustration, tears and cursing during this process.

The results? AC arthrosis, which is the same as arthritis except the word arthritis indicates inflammatory change and arthrosis is degenerative change without an inflammatory process. Just in case you wanted to know that. Here are other fun facts about this:

  1. PCP doesn’t think this explains the pain.
  2. I think it might.
  3. There’s nothing, not a goddamned thing, to be done about it.
  4. PCP wants to now go through the whole process again, but with my neck.
  5. But there’d be nothing to be done about it.
  6. And it would cost me the other half of those boots up there.

When will I learn? This time? This is how it is always going to work:

  1. Something hurts.
  2. It hurts all the goddamned time.
  3. I have to modify my life.
  4. IT DOESN’T MATTER IN THE SLIGHTEST THAT WE FIND OUT EXACTLY WHY.
  5. The answer is always this: I have EDS, and I will never feel good again. The end.

Oh my, yes, that is a negative outlook, I agree. But it’s also true. The other thing is, why do I feel like it’s more legit if I know the exact why? Part of me was wanting a torn rotator cuff even though that would be career-ending. OH. That’s why–I am looking for what I feel will be a legit enough reason to leave my job. Thing is, I already have a legit reason, because I have EDS, but I want an iron-clad out, not a soft, hard-to-explain, I-don’t-look-sick reason. I want something that is so clear that I don’t even have to admit to myself that I might be leaving simply because I work with one of the most impossible people in the world and I am starting to give up on the idea that I can win,and also, I am tired of this person taking so much of my energy when right now, I have trouble carrying my own belongings into work each day.

I can hardly carry my own shit, and once I manage to get inside with it all and put it down, I spend the rest of my day with a micro-managing tyrant with the tact and professionalism of an angry rhinoceros. I expend HUGE amounts of energy trying to buffer this person, in whose hands my leash was placed (after FIVE YEARS of working to get it out of their grip) by the new Department Chair, who has no idea what sort of monster he created. The rest of us do, because we all admired how hard it was to get myself off the leash in the first place and that the monster had finally been shrunk down just a bit.

We talked a lot, the spouse and I, about whether or not I can or should keep working. Let’s face it; this person is not worth what I am spending on them, and, despite the money and time and Dr Googling, my shoulder still hurts. And it’s not going to get better, any more than my hands, or my back, or my neck, or my ankles, or my wrists. Will I choose to remain trapped in the rough waters of this medical system? Or will I decide to liberate myself from it, from angry rhinos, and from feeling like I should hang on just a little longer? I don’t know yet, but the trend is going in the Give Up direction.

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