Tag Archives: Boundaries

Why the Slow Start?

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Eating is something that obviously over the course of human history, can really easily get screwed up. Nearly everything affects the digestive system–nearly every drug you can take has gastrointestinal side effects on the warning label. Your emotions can both affect the gut and are also greatly affected by it–the majority of one’s serotonin, for example, is produced in the gut. Our obsession with our digestive tracts is obvious to anyone who watches television or wanders the extensive aisles of related products in any store.

I grew up with an iron-clad stomach. I could eat absolutely anything, and I did. There was a period of serious stomach trouble when I was 7, but my mother finally realized that it was due to having been on antibiotics the better part of a year and started me on brewer’s yeast and plain yogurt (appalling, both, but it worked). I considered it a point of pride that I went years and years and years without ever vomiting. There’s a Seinfeld episode on that very subject, where Jerry’s streak is ended by the dreaded nemesis of the black and white cookie.

I felt his pain.

I’ve had two nights this week wherein I didn’t wake up at 3:00 am and lay there, heart pounding, until 4:30 or 5:00 am. I’ve been very careful about not eating dinner too late and for the most part Gnawing Stomach has not been part of the scenario. I suspect I am breaking through the Propanolol, and considered asking the cardiologist if there is an extended release option for night time. But, then, I started having heartburn.

Why yes, Propanolol can cause that. Are any of you familiar with the syndrome whereby you realize something (Propanolol is relaxing my esophagus too much and causing some difficulty swallowing and acid reflux, for example) and yet you choose to deny that this is happening because you’ve checked with all of your internal registers and seen that the problem count is already too high and you just don’t have room for another one right now, thanks very much all the same? I am sure I am not alone.

The complex intersection of that with emotional stress is, I suppose, why I threw up until after midnight last night. I saw the new Shrink yesterday, and a lot of what we talked about had to do with what that person with the personality disorder is doing to continue to try to get my attention. I mentioned that it was my perception that as I ignore all attempts at contact and we get closer to the holidays, this person is going to find themselves in a greater and greater state of agitation and will escalate their behavior. The last attempt was about a week before my birthday in late July, messages on my office phone that I didn’t find until I went back to work. My cellphone already blocks this person and her spouse, as does FB, and my email address is also unknown to her. The new Shrink was very supportive of my position about not letting this person into my life again, and also said, “I keep seeing this image of you on a rickety wooden bridge with alligators below you.”

I will be opening my psychic business soon, if any of you are interested, because I walked into my house from seeing the new Shrink to find that this person is now using Etsy to message me. Turns out you can’t block someone on Etsy. The holidays were referenced, which suggests that I am entirely right about how things will go over the next few months. The new Shrink better put her boots on, as things are going to get pretty deep pretty quick around these parts. Like a fool, I ended my day with chile cheese fries and guacamole salad, and then I went to bed with a glass of wine….

….with what felt like a ticking time bomb in my gut, with fire racing up my throat and a sense that if I lay down correctly it would all just flow out like lava. Or….not. But it was an ugly feeling, kids. Like Jerry Seinfeld, I am not a puker. I know people who are, for whom this is sort of effortless, but I am not at all in that club. But there was no way I was going to survive the night with my ill-considered meal in my belly.

Around 1:00 am, as I lay with the heating pad on my stomach to soothe the turmoil of puking for hours, I realized that because my life is magical and filled with splendid coincidences, my shoulder was very angry about the festivities. Who the fuck hurts their shoulder puking? Me, that’s who. People with EDS, that’s who. So then there was ice for the shoulder and heating pad for the gut and restless sleep wherein I dreamed I was being bitten multiple times by mosquitoes (Oh, Psyche, you borrower of trouble).

The world in all it’s internal and external splendor meets in the gut, with all its alchemical glory. It does not, however, result in gold.

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