Gnawing stomach has returned. Like a pesky alcoholic neighbor with poor boundaries, Gnawing Stomach (GS) always arrives in the wee hours, between 1:00 am and 3:00 am. GS arrived this morning around 1:30 am, and finally at 4:00 am I got up, got out my script for Frankenstein and read it since laying in bed listening to the gurgling roar of peristalsis as my gut processed itself was not going to do me any good. GS was in good company last night, since Hip Pain, Back Pain, Ankle Pain, Wrist Pain and Shoulder Pain were already partying down when she arrived.
GS is like a small rat is nibbling relentlessly at the center of my stomach. Sometimes it is drowned by cold water, but more often not. Antacids do not seem to help, but someone took two extra-strength Zantac at 2:00 am just in case. It’s kind of like a switch has been flipped telling my stomach that it needs to begin the waves of peristalsis that are the normal contractions of the gut to move food through–but there’s no food in there. Said contractions are contagious, and pretty soon my intestines are singing opera and stomping their feet to the infectious beat, beat, beat.
Now, we got a little intoxicated yesterday and ate a very salty dinner, so that could be the culprit except that GS actually arrived the night before, with little fanfare and what seemed a much smaller rat whose chewing I was able to mostly ignore and return to sleep after an hour or two. That night I actually had less alcohol than normal and had not had as much salty food–although, to be a good detective I note that prosciutto was involved both times. Not that my body normally rejects prosciutto. [Let me pause here to say that I spelled prosciutto correctly without looking it up, HIGH FIVE BITCHES]
The thing is, about 3 months ago, I discovered that Chia seeds are the key to having a colon that functions like a normal human colon instead of a rabid, unpredictable camel. Despite all the other myriad blows I’ve suffered this year in terms of health, every morning when things (you know what I mean) happen, I am careful to send a silent “THANK YOU” to the universe so that my body knows I am really, really proud of it and would like to take it out for ice cream for being so good. I’ve considered getting a gold star tattooed on my ass, seriously, I really value normal bowel function.
That said, I now face a long day with a rumbling stomach and shaky exhausted feelings. I’ve invited Immodium to spend the day with me and work some anti-spasmodic magic so that I do not have to abandon students in the basement while I dash to a bathroom. Immodium and I used to be really, really tight; like, we talked on the phone nearly everyday and went everywhere together. Immodium’s a good enough friend that she was happy for me when I moved on, so I don’t think she’s behind the visit from GS, however….one never knows what a spurned lover might do.
All I know is that I need to figure out what sort of exterminator is needed to have GS ejected from the game–and preferably in the form of a lifetime ban.