Tag Archives: past

Mostly, except.


In order to preserve my energy and space it’s important to try to stay grounded in Now, and look away as much as possible from the Past and the Future. Of course that is easy to say and hard to do. For the most part, I look down when I walk, never looking much ahead or behind, because I that is how I end up falling down. I had no idea that walking could also involve looking around without also resulting in crashing to the ground, having rolled an ankle on a pebble or a crack in the sidewalk. It’s sort of like that; keep my eyes on what I am doing.

A huge trap for me is starting a thought that goes this way, “X amount of time ago, this activity was easy for me, and here I am, 45 years old and this task is now really hard for me and that is ridiculous.” Yes, it used to be that I could haul loads of clothes on hangers back and forth all day, push heavy clothes here and there on racks, lug boxes and organize clothes with no ill effects. That I knew of. But now I can’t. Tying what I can and cannot do to my age is also pointless. I’m 45 and I’m still not an Olympic athlete, either, but what’s my point? I want to do more than I can, and I can do less than I could previously. The next thought in that chain is about the Future, “How long am I even going to be able to do this job? Next week? Two years? Five? Why do I have to give this job up?” Right now, I am still able to do my job effectively and well, albeit with some accommodations that allow me to save myself for the things that I am an expert in, which is not putting heavy object A on rack B.

Today we did a lot of work in our stock, and it was hard. Three hours on my feet, moving clothing, pushing it hither and yon, starting to move a rack and then stopping myself and throwing a 20-year-old at it. My co-worker worrying that I was carrying too many things (probably right, I conceded, and grabbed a 20 year old). Me wanting to just be able to Do. It. But also trying to recognize that I *am* doing my job in using my expertise to determine how to organize and decommission stock, so that then someone less skilled can do the lifting and hauling. It’s a balancing act.

For me, then, it’s really better to keep looking down.

It’s a New Year

It’s a New Year

I’ll dip my toe into public blogging again, I decided.

Once I blogged publicly at The Well Dressed Recluse, which evolved out of my first blogging experiences with Ilyka Damen at her blog. A lot of things happened around 2005-2007, culminating in the death of my closest friend and her daughter at the hands of her husband, who also took his own life. TWDR became a blog about that event, and grief, and then it became the table on which a huge puzzle was laid out, and I stayed around to collect the pieces to see if it would, ever, make a picture.

Some of the types of people attracted to that puzzle were sorts I didn’t want peeking in at me, and so I finally took the blog down, marked it private, and then started a new one that was anonymous and invitation-only. The problem with blogging privately is the same thing that’s good about blogging privately–I could say anything I wanted, about anything, without concern of repercussions. Which also means it allows me to dwell and sort of gossip rather than interact and exchange.

I’ve decided, now, that maybe not being able to dwell would be a good thing. Is my life interesting enough to others if I am not blogging about a murder/suicide, or talking about people who aren’t there to defend themselves? Is it even possible to, for the most part, talk only about myself and things I have direct ties to? That’s the question I’ve posed. This year, then, I will see if I can figure out an answer.